This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
