She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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