he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
