shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
