just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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