Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
