I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
she peed on how many people?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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