Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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