I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
