He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
as a side note pls kill me
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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