i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
