Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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