I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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