i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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