Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
