: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
