I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
