you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
