I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
