i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
