These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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