At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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