Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
