Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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