nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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