The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
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