When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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