mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
