I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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