the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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