Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
