You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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