I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We have started to decorate penises.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I am naked and annoyed.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
