I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
