I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Success! We fucked roommates!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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