My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
