bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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