If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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