So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
