The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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