It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
