i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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