Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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