I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
