dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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