Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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