i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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