Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
