Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
