I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
