The maid of honor just puked.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
